Thursday, July 26, 2012

Sweet dreams...

Hola Gorgeous Hippie Goddesses!!

What?? Posts 2 days in a row... How is this possible?

I just have a lot of thoughts running through my brain at a million miles per hour... I need to do something with them. So of course the only logical thing to do would be to put these thoughts on the internet for anyone to read. That is what a normal person would do...right???

I'm going to do this in a point by point kind of way, hopefully no long paragraphs, just a short concise way of gathering my broken thoughts.

- I am sick... always. I just want to be healthy
- I am lazy... always. It's a problem
- I am terrified that my life will have no meaning
- I hate my job... a lot
- I am a pessimist... working on it though
- I want to sleep... well and deep and for hours and hours on end
- I want to lose 15 lbs... I know I have already lost 55 (It was 65 but I gained some of it back) but I am not quite where I want to be
- I am scared that I will end up alone
- I want to move away... right MEOW... I do not want to wait until January. I just want to pack up my shit and get the hell out of this province
- I want a new start
- I want to be able to be myself all of the time. I hate having to hide who I am in front of coworkers and family
- I am afraid that one day I will lose everything because of lies I have told in the past. Lies that I told for no reason other then the fact that I could. Lies that I have spent years telling because once you get caught up in it you can never escape. I don't want to lie anymore. I just want to be free to be myself... but I think I lost that luxury a while ago.
- I am scared that I will fail! I will fail at school and at writing and at life.
- I am afraid to move forward
- I love Christy!! She is my absolute best friend (I do everything possible to not lie to her... unless it is about stupid stuff to fuck with her) I am scared one day she will realize that she is way to good and nice to hang out with someone like me.
-Today is obviously a sad day... I am stuck in a vortex of fear and self loathing.
- I am going to stop using lies and sarcasm as a way of dealing with unfamiliar situations or trying to fit in.
- I love the person that I have become... I just need to stop worrying about what others think about me.

Well... that is barely the tip of the iceberg... If any of you made it through all of that I am amazed :)

Now for some positivity... because I feel as though I require it at this point of my day...

5 things that I am grateful for in my life right now

1. Christy... I have no idea what I would be doing or what kind of fake version of myself I would be without her.
2. My cats. I love them and they love me. They make me happy.
3. Summer
4. Shambhala!! I can't wait I can't wait I can't wait
5. Disney movies... Kind of lame I know, but I really like going home after a depressing day and watching a Disney movie.

This list was originally going to be 10 things... It hurt my brain to try to think up more then 5.

I'll figure this out... I just need a couple days... and maybe an episode of The Mentalist before I go home...

Much Love

P.S. I love Shpongle... and I want his hat!

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